Grey
by Geogirl
Summary: Will POV on the bar scene in The Abduction.


**Grey**

By GeoGirl

Disclaimers:  I own nothing of Alias or Dave Mathews Band, but am borrowing from both, temporarily.

Distribution:  Cover Me, Fanfiction.net and all those who ask.

A/N:  I never thought I'd do a songfic, but this one just made me write it down.  Let me know the good, bad and ugly.  Will POV.

She moves in shadows as her life has ceased to be black and white.  Just shades of grey, fading in and out, coating the surface and cloaking the heart.  I wonder to be her, to hold that grey in my arms and try to give it coherence and shape.  But she is the deceiver and I have been deceived and I cannot complain, for I still have presence in my black and white life.  I must keep wary of the grey.

_Oh look at how she listens  
She says nothing of what she thinks  
She just goes stumbling through her memories  
Staring out on to Grey Street  
  
_

So she sits there telling me how she feels, that it's a gesture of love to deceive her friends.  I wonder how long it took her to make that assessment.  How long has she been deceiving Francie and me?  Does she know that this deception hurts her in so many ways?  I see the pieces missing now--now that I know what to look for.  Does she realize these pieces are even gone?

_She thinks, "Hey,  
How did I come to this?  
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,  
But I can't get out of this place"  
  
_

She looks to the door and the color drains from her face as she struggles to swallow her wine.  Her skin is now ashen grey.

"What?" I ask.  What has caused her to shut down?  Then she gets this smile on her face.  It's the face she uses to mask her true feelings.  I hate that smile.  I once was the recipient of that smile.  For as much as I love this woman, I hate that smile.

We turn and see Michael Vaughn and a blonde woman walk into the bar.  This is not good.  Sydney and Michael in the same room; they cannot be seen together.  But then Sydney stands and begins to talk.  Looking at the scene in front of me, I begin to understand.   A dim light now illuminates the corners of her heart, and I see.

I see another piece of her breaking.  How could I have been so naive?  How could I not have seen and felt?  The one thing I had always hoped for belongs to these two, and it's killing them both.  Fading into the shadows to grey.

 _  
There's an emptiness inside her  
And she'd do anything to fill it in  
But all the colors mix together - to grey  
And it breaks her heart  
  
_I look at them interact and wonder how I missed it before.  They have this communication between them without saying a word.  Their eyes say it all, and I feel the heat between them.__

_How she wishes it was different  
She prays to God most every night  
And though she swears it doesn't listen  
There's still a hope in her it might  
  
_

And she looks at me with helplessness and hopelessness and defeat, and I look at him.  He is her mirror because I see it in him too.  I concoct a way to remove her from the scene.  It came so easy, the lie.  Am I becoming grey too?  I put my arm around her and guide her to the door.  She gives him a backward glance and I want to scream.  I want to shake them both and run away.  I want to take her in my arms and convince her that he is wrong and I am right.  I want to bring her back from the shadows. 

She becomes complacent and it scares me.  I guide her to the car and drive.  She just stares out the window ; I know because I can see her reflection there.   I have never seen her look so sad.  I turn up the radio to break the silence, because it is breaking me.  I wonder how often this happens.  Does she retreat every time she sees him?  And I want to hate him, for he has the one thing that I want and will never have.  I am filled with envy for this man, my friend.  And it makes me even angrier that he cannot have her, not yet.

_She says, "I pray  
But they fall on deaf ears,  
Am I supposed to take it on myself?  
To get out of this place"  
  
_

We head west to the ocean; I don't know why, but it feels right.  The sun is lowering into the sea, creating such brilliant, ethereal colors.  I want to show her the colors.  I want her to see in color again.  Is that so wrong?  I want to give her something that he cannot, if only for the moment.  I look over, and she has noticed where I'm going.  Slowly she turns to me and sighs.  Her head rests on my shoulder and I feel tears through my shirt.  We're almost there, Sydney.  Hang on and look to the light.  See the colors and resist the grey.

_  
There's loneliness inside her  
And she'd do anything to fill it in  
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now  
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart  
When all the colors mix together - to grey  
And it breaks her heart  
  
_

Even before I put the car in park, she's out the door and walking toward the sand.  Her eyes never leave the sunset as her hands reach down and take off her boots and socks.  Her toes sink into the sand and she continues walking to the sun, face raised to the warmth.  I struggle to get my shoes off and catch up with her, and just before I reach out to touch her, she sinks to the sand with a sob.

Questions run through my brain.  I want to ask, but know I shouldn't.  How long have you loved him?  How long has he been in love with you?  Who was Alice?  Why?  

I put my arm around her and she leans into my shoulder and cries.  Rarely have I seen her break down and I can barely stand it.  I know I must remain, because I'm the only one who she'd let see her like this right now.  Francie could never understand because she doesn't know about the CIA or SD-6 or Michael Vaughn.  And now that I've seen her break, I wish I didn't, either.

_  
There's a stranger speaks outside her door  
Says take what you can from your dreams  
Make them as real as anything  
It'd take the work out of the courage  
  
_

I hold her and want to curse the heavens for giving her this life.  Why should she be the one to take on Sloane and Sark and all the evil that is out there?  Why was she chosen to be the silent protector of good?  Why does she have to deal with crazy Asian dentists and Russian security guards and machine guns pointed at Jack and her mother?  Why, of all the people in the world, do I have to love this amazing, strong, broken person?

_  
But she says, "Please  
There's a crazy man that's creeping outside my door,  
I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world"  
  
_

I know that I am a poor substitute for Michael, but right now she needs a set of arms to comfort her.  I know she wishes it as him holding her.  From the last look he gave her as we headed out of the bar, he wishes the same thing.  But he cannot come to her, and here I am, and I will be a martyr and give all that I have to her, because she needs it.  I envy him, because one day he will receive instead of give.  He will bask in the wonderfulness that is Sydney, as I never could.  He'll be able to touch her and receive that smile that I love.  And I want to hate him.

_  
There's an emptiness inside her  
And she'd do anything to fill it in  
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now  
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart  
  
_

How many times a day does she think of getting out?  Does she still dream that one day this will all be over?  That her grey life of shadows and delusion will some day be black and white.  White house with black shutters and a white picket fence.  Flowers of every hue in the garden.  Does a black sedan cruising the street creep into her dreams as it now does mine?  I wonder if she's stopped dreaming and has come to accept the grey; it seems she has and that pierces my heart.  

I wonder about those pieces of her heart missing or broken.  Can he give her what I want; can he be her salvation and savior?  Can he remove the grey?  And because I love her, I truly hope so.__

_She feels like kicking out all the windows _  
_And setting fire to this life_  
_She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright _  
_But all the colors mix together - to grey_  
_And it breaks her heart_  
_It breaks her heart_  
_To grey_

_Grey Street - Dave Mathews Band_


End file.
